Tuesday, 18 February 2014

A Vominute Mistake

I discovered today that you do get bad deer poop and that I need to be more selective in my forest dining choices. Shortly after my return from a long walk, while I rested, I projectile vomited a lumpy, brown spray all over the carpet and couch, catching both the cover and the side coverings at the same time. It wasn't intentional. I only got time to sit up before I barfed.

The master wasn't amused. He's not practiced in multiple venue staining. Normally my vomit contains just partially-digested, mushy Burns pellets which can be easily scooped up and cleaned, but this time it was mud brown and that clashed with the carpet and had chunks.  

He did his best but I think he made a mistake in his choice of waste disposal. He should have flushed it down the toilet, not thrown the bucket's watery contents back into the woods because my nose is so sensitive I notice these things and I'm not fussy about re-eating regurgitate. Some of it is still good even hours later. I hope for his sake the rain washes it away or the field mice eat it up because if it's still there in the morning that's my breakfast number 2. I'm just warning him now.

I guess I'll not be sleeping in his bed tonight.

A Dog Show for Dogs

In the afternoon I enjoy lazing on the couch in front of the telly but the TV channels don't truly cater for the canine audience. You don't get a dog food show to salivate over where the chef presents a guest dog with a bowl of 'here's one I made earlier'. The quiz shows hold no appeal as I'm rarely interested in the trivia the humans pass off as general knowledge. And it's rare to find a house hunter who considers where the dog bed is going to go. Maybe the odd comment about 'the garden being big enough for the dog' but no mention of where the local dog walks are. 

Now Channel 4 have finally answered my prayers and put on a television programme aimed at me: a dog game show, 'Superstar Dogs', hosted by John Barrowman

From L to R: Captain Jack with John and Harris
There are three dogs, of different sizes and breeds, who compete over three rounds to see who's best. There's a retrieval round, that I would struggle with as I don't like to swim. If my master threw one of my toys into a pool of deep water, I'd bark obscenities at him until he fetched it himself. Then there's a fly ball round, followed by a deciding agility round that I would love. If I was competing I would take the time penalty to eat all the tasty treats in Temptation Alley. The show appealed to me because the dogs weren't perfect. They had flaws and messed up some of the activities, but weren't mocked by the commentator or JB. It was a bit awkward though when John had to tell them how long their dog had taken and try to inject some suspense into it when it was obvious it wasn't quick. 

I wonder if Channel 4 has offered any psychological help to the winner to cope with the imminent fame and lifestyle change that comes with the title, "Superstar Dog". I realise the glory will be fleeting, much like it is for a Big Brother or Apprentice winner, but what if the winner gets followed around by the Pooperazi, wanting to snatch a piccy of them performing a bodily function or sniffing another mystery beau's bottom. If they're a pedigree breed and are seen showing interest in a mongrel, for instance, their reputation could be ruined. 

I was surprised they got Jim Rosenthal to commentate. What's his connection with dogs?  Was Peter Purves busy or did he just want too much money?

Flood of News

I've been spending a lot of time at the cabin but it hasn't been much fun. It's been very wet. The rain has rarely stopped. Everyday it pours down. Each morning I walk down to the roadside to check if we're stranded but so far we've been lucky. Aberfoyle hasn't flooded. I think the meeting they had must have worked because the water seems to be draining south. England is now getting flooded instead.

Southern England
All the national news programmes have been describing how bad it is at the bottom of England. Cameron has brought the army in to help. That just shows how stupid he is. I don't think a bullet has ever stopped a river from breaking its banks. Maybe a tank but not the kind they use. Wouldn't the Navy be better qualified? They could just steer their amphibious crafts to the trouble spots, provided they weren't all hibernating. 

I bet the English frogs will get a big surprise when they wake up and discover their pond now covers a county. Big fish will have to adjust mentally to their new surroundings too. 

I bet she never thought her dog walking business would ever require a wheelbarrow. 

I think the car manufacturers have missed a trick this winter by failing to offer a car flood proofing service. They could over inflate the tyres so the car could float and offer a stilt frame to prop your car upon when parking or provide an optional anchor to use at high tide. Toyota could present a new hybrid model: part car / part boat. Useful during floods and tsunamis, to cater for the home and overseas (literally) market. They could call it the Prius Ferry. 

I bet there's a few English people jealous of James Bond at the moment.