Monday, 4 June 2012

Queen Reigns Hard Sell



The London weather for the Jubilee was very poor, with heavy rain. It didn't dampen spirits though, just encouraged the sale of union jack umbrellas. That ended my theory that the recent hot spell was due to a test run of a top secret, weather-controlling satellite beamed over Scotland. The clue came when Charles and Camilla became weather presenters on BBC Scotland. There's no way that would have happened unless some government meteorologist had tipped the royal wink that there was going to be some imminent good news for Scottish weather. Obviously they couldn't trial it while the royal couple were there in case it went wrong. Still I don't mind being a weather guinea pig if it means getting to pant in the glorious heat for a week in May. I even forewent my morning under-the-duvet snooze to lie in the sun at our patio doors. I long ago realised the sun's heat is far greater than anything my body can generate.


I admire the Queen for being a dog lover. She officially has three Corgis – Monty, Holly, Willow - and three Dorgis (cross-breed of Dachshund and Corgi) Cider, Candy and Vulcan. I wonder if the Dorgis were bred deliberately to avoid royal inbreeding remarks or whether someone left a door open by accident while a randy Fred Bassett was walking by. 


Andrew Marr could have asked her when she was on his show this morning, prior to the boat pageant. Remarkably it was live on the Queen's insistence. Mostly Andrew fawned but we did learn one shocking news story. When asked what she would really like from her Jubilee, the Queen replied a book deal. She felt it was time for a tell-all autobiography, setting the record straight about what she really thinks and making some serious dosh over Christmas. Andrew stumbled over a reply (not an unusual occurrence) before she giggled and waved a dismissive hand. 

"I'm pulling your leg, silly!"


"Very funny, your Majesty."  


"We can't wait for Christmas. My publisher wants to capitalise on the Jubilee now so 'The Queen - My Title' will be out next week from all good bookstores. We've got Helen Mirren to read the audiobook. Would you like a signed copy?"


"Indeed I would, very much, Ma'am."


She handed him a book and the camera closed in over his shoulder on the autograph, which read:


 'Sorry to disappoint you,' with a signature below which read, 


'Dame Helen Mirren.' 


"I played that trick on Cameron too." 


"I'm sure it's going to be a bestseller. Thank you, your Majesty!"


And with that the interview was over, but before she left, off camera, she could be heard muttering, "Buggering hell, those bastards told me they'd fixed the weather. Brollys out everyone."  


Commentators said it was because she's not used to live TV. Others are calling for the death penalty for the show's director and the takeover of the BBC by Rupert Murdoch (you know who you are Jeremy Hunt). I think it was planned and deliberate, just to add fuel to the publicity fire. She obviously didn't think a thousand boats on the Thames would cut it with the tabloids.


I hear she's going to be on the Graham Norton Show next week. Not as a guest, but in the Big Red Chair. I suspect she'll get to finish her story.