Saturday, 12 May 2012

Coldfinger

The master is recovering from his second cold virus since the wedding. He blames the gold ring he now wears. He says it must be making him vulnerable to cold germs, like the way green kryptonite affects Superman. The mistress was dismissive. But what if it were true? What if gold could suddenly debilitate humans? Rappers would be wiped out, all the "Cash for Gold" shops would go out of business (Gold for Colds?) and the plot of Goldfinger would be rendered ridiculous. 


Bond: "Do you expect me to talk?" 


Auric Goldfinger: "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to sneeze."


I suppose the film could be remade, incorporating the illness development, and instead have Goldfinger as a psychopathic terrorist, himself immune to the effect of gold, buying up all the world's stock cheaply and surreptitiously as part of Operation Grand Slam. He then would plan to hold countries to ransom by threatening to explode gas cannisters of Delta 9, an aerosolised version of gold, in their capital cities. Odd Job would now wear a surgical mask and throw dirty knotted hankies instead of his trademark bowler hat. U2 would sing the theme, "Catch it, Bin it, Kill it" over titles bursting with gold filled droplets exploding from sneezing mouths.


It would be, like many modern remakes, poorly.


   

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