Good Cop (GC): "Can you confirm you're whereabouts at approx 4pm on Friday 14th October 2011?"
Bad Cop (BC): "Make it easy for yourself and just confess."
figbane: "I was in Ardrossan, at Cruella's. I was nowhere near London."
BC: "We never mentioned London. Why do you mention 'London'. Got something you want to tell us?"
figbane: "I read about the girl, with the facial injuries, the five year old."
GC: "Why do you think we would be interested in you for that?"
figbane: "I saw the dog's description: Staffie bull terrier-type dog, short tan-coloured coat, with white fur under its chin and chest."
BC: " 'With a nasty temper'. Remind you of anyone?"
figbane: "Hey, I only get grumpy sometimes, like when there's an animal near my territory or if another dog tries to mount me, or looks at me in a bad way, or..."
BC (interjecting): "Is that what happened here? Did the girl look at you in a bad way? Is that why she had to lose her face?"
figbane: "I tell you I wasn't there. You're making me very uncomfortable. My heckles are swelling. Do I need a lawyer?"
GC: "Do you feel you 'need' a lawyer? This is just an informal interview. You 'volunteered' to come in."
figbane: "In that case can I at least have a bowl of water please?"
GC looks at BC and nods, motioning towards the door. BC rises, shoves his chair away, exhaling angrily, and leaves the interview room. GC takes out a packet of gravy bones and offers me one, which I gobble down.
GC: "Perhaps if you made a statement, on the record, formally then this could be over a lot quicker. If you were to come clean now, maybe you wouldn't get the death penalty. We could put in a good word with the judge, how you cooperated."
figbane (rising from the chair, bearing teeth): "But I didn't do it."
GC (rising to stand): "Sit down!"
figbane (shaking involuntarily): "I haven't done anything wrong. Am I under caution?"
GC: "Not at this time."
figbane: "This is a colour thing, isn't it. You think brindle-coloured staffy-like dogs are all the same. 'She's a staffy' so she must be a criminal."
GC: "You're not all sweetness and light. We know who your associates are."
Puzzled, I twist my head. "Rizza?"
GC: "Yeah, Rizza!"
figbane: "But he's a lover, not a biter. Or would be if I let him."
GC: "He's got form. Fare dodging, vagrancy, stealing a wallet."
figbane: "So that makes me guilty by association? I'm not standing for this. If you've got any evidence show me now or I walk."
BC returns with the bowl of water. figbane sniffs it and looks at BC.
figbane: "This water is salty. Did you not think I'd notice, with a nose like mine."
BC pulls a guilty look and GC shakes his head. "You're free to go. We may want to interview you further so don't be leaving the country anytime soon."
figbane (to BC): "You do know you're diabetic? There's sugar in that bowl too."
Cruella was waiting for me at reception. I scowled at my interogators and left.
"Don't ask," I muttered as we headed to the bus stop and she didn't.