Sunday, 2 October 2011

The Food Issue

I'm so hungry.

My owners are both on diets which involve eating lots of protein, so the kitchen is regularly filled with the aroma of bacon, sausages, chicken, eggs and lamb. Having previously bought all their meat from the refrigerated shelves of the local supermarket, they've discovered the delicious joys of the deli-butcher at Aberfoyle. The chicken breasts are plump and not inflated with water, the mince is pure and unbulked with fat, the sausages tender and full of flavour. Pies too have huge chunks of meat and no gristle. So why am I still hungry? Have I not been rewarded with sufficient tidbits from their plate? No! This diet means they eat every little morsel. I get my usual bowl of Burns Chicken and Brown Rice pellets, occasionally moistened with warm water if it's nearing the powdery bottom of the bag, and that's it. It's not fair. I wish I was on their diet too. I might get steak!

I'm so hungry I even ate what I thought was a long string of spaghetti yesterday. It was just on the ground behind me. It was only when I had munched it all the way along its length, in a manner not dissimilar to that scene in "Lady and the Tramp" only involving my own bottom, that I realised it was a worm, one of my worms. Even my worms are starving and want to escape.

The only amusing thing about their diet is I've noticed their clothes don't fit them anymore. The master is now on the last notch of his belt. He'll have to shop for clothes soon and he hates that. I've been whispering to him in his sleep that all he needs to do to avoid this shopping hell is to start to eat like he did before. I would help him with his guilty conscience by sharing snacks with him. It would be our little secret. Unfortunately the mistress overheard me and had to get up to tell me to shush three times in one night. 

Final thought: why do people on diets pain themselves by watching cooking programmes? Don't they realise all those ingredients will end up full screen, in their face, scrumptious and completely unobtainable. Maybe they just enjoy salivating and savouring the memories. Food Masochists!