My mistress is disappointed that for another season her bird box has remained unoccupied. This is not a euphemism for pregnancy. She erected an actual bird box in our garden and, despite healthy bird viewings, it remained nest-free. She couldn't explain why so I, ever helpful, generated this report:
1. Health and Safety issues - the bird box does not pass fire safety regulations as it only possesses one entrance/exit. As nesting material is particularly flammable, being made of fluff and twigs and stuff, potential bird parents take fire safety very seriously. They don't want to come home and find their future loved ones turned into barbequed eggs. No yolking matter.
2. A small entrance way - this prevents any larger bits of furniture being brought into the box. Mrs Bird will always dissuade Mr Bird with the argument, 'How are we going to get our large twig in here? It won't fit through the door.' Birds are not great building renovators. They would rather nest in an open plan tree than remodel an existing property.
3. Location, location, location - the box sits quite near the top of the fence, which a local cat has taken to perching on in the hope of catching some easy takeaway food. And my efforts to repel this garden invader has the unfortunate side effect of also scaring off potential bird box tenants. They don't know I'm not growling and barking at them.
4. Hiring estate agents 'Bad Move': the clue was in the name. Any bird box conveyancing firm fronted by a magpie and wanting paid in shiny silver is not to be trusted.
5. No advertising on the Dawn Chorus. Every morning I tuned into the birdsong radio station listening for the chirp adverts they play between bird songs but never once heard a cheep about the bird box let. You can't rely on word-of-beak to move a property these days.
6. It's a difficult time for first time nesters at the moment. The property ladder collapsed when birds realised they didn't need one because they could fly.
7. Birds don't like having to share an outside toilet with me. And, if I'm being honest, I don't like sharing one with them either.