Sunday, 8 May 2011

There's Bin a Murder...

On Monday, President Barack Obama announced to the world that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, shot by U.S. troops on a secret mission inside Pakistan. No photos of the corpse were released and, it was declared, the body had been dumped at sea.

On Tuesday, I discovered this gruesome find.

I was being taken for my evening constitutional across the Gleniffer Braes by my master and we had just crossed the Sergeant Law Road at the lower gate when I noted an intriguing aroma coming from the copse of trees on the right. With tennis ball still in mouth, I ran over to investigate, nimbly bouncing across the trampled barbed wire fencing. Inside the thicket on the bare ground I found a length of sheeting wrapped around something stinky. It smelled so pungent I immediately rolled in it for evidence. I wanted this one to linger.

My master was appalled when he caught up. He tried to shoo me away but 'a dog's got to do, what a dog's got to do'. I was desperate to uncover what was inside that sheet and started to tug it away, not even realising I'd dropped the tennis ball until I saw him scoop it up with his dog wand. The action distracted me momentarily and allowed him to hook on my lead and drag me away. Glancing back I could see I had revealed a skull with dog fangs. 

I thought I was going to be in deep trouble but my master wasn't angry with me. He was more in shock and concerned too about being implicated in a potential crime. What if another dog walker witnessed him leaving the scene and reported him to the police? Would he be taken in for questioning? Should he be reporting it himself? I told him that that was the least of his worries: my DNA was all over the crime scene, what with the saliva from the tennis ball and my coat hairs rolled in the blanket.

I had questions too. Where had it come from? I hadn't smelled anything the previous day when we walked the same route. Had it been dumped overnight by an unscrupulous criminal involved in dog fighting? Or dug up from a pet cemetery by some drunken yobs? Or had it simply fallen from the sky?

It was then that my mind went into connective overdrive. Surely this couldn't be the corpse of Osama Bin Laden? He was much taller and didn't have fangs. Unless of course he was a 'vulpine vampire', who upon being killed, reverted back to his wolf form, ageing dramatically until only his hairy skeleton remained. And perhaps those U.S. soldiers, panicked at the sight of this supernatural transformation, immediately dumped the body out of the plane while over Paisley. This would justify the ridiculous cover story about dumping the body at sea and also explain the lack of pictures. It wouldn't be in the world's best interest for Obama to reveal that the leader of Al Quaeda was now not only a mujahid martyr but also an X-file.

Mulder would be so proud of me uncovering this conspiracy. He's a spaniel I know with an interest in the unusual. He swears he keeps getting kidnapped by aliens but I keep telling him aliens don't drive "Barking Buddies" vans. 

So is this the corpse of Osama? I'll let you make up your own mind.